Thursday, Jan. 3, 42 A.B.

My Resolutions

1)  I resolve to write and post an entry here every day.  (DOH!  Looks like I've blown that!)

2)  I resolve to stop using "DOH!"  (Damn it!  Looks like I've blown that now, too!)

3)  I resolve to keep this journal free of profanity.  (HA!  Whose bright idea was that?!)

4)  I resolve that if I ever make a mistake, I will immediately take full responsibility for it.  (DOH! DOH! DOH!  What the hell?!  Is this my year to be plagued by demonic forces or what?!  Maybe I ought to hang it up right now!)

5)  I resolve to persevere no matter what.  (That's it - I'm outa here!)

6)  I resolve not to be so self-conscious and self-critical all the time.  (I said, I'm outa here!  Didn't you hear me, Dan?  What are you - an idiot or merely a guy who thinks the ear canal is a fine place to store one's extra carrots in?)

7)  I resolve to only write about those things which at least one reader in a hundred might actually be interested in.  (Too late!  Come on - let's go play Solitaire together before our intrinsic inanity embarrasses us any further!)

8)  I resolve to stop walking and making sounds like a gibbon in the mistaken belief that this is the best way to get a good seat and fine service at a restaurant.  (WHAT?!  Everyone knows that walking and making sounds like an iguana is the best way to be treated right when dining out!  Whose resolutions are these REALLY?)

9)  I resolve to feed my cat more, sing to him less, never scold him again, and leave all my credit cards next to his bed every night.  (JESTER!  Drop that computer keyboard!  DROP IT!)

10)  I resolve to stop doing things in boring groups of ten.  (Ah, at least I managed to regain control of this list before it turned into a COMPLETE nonsensical waste of time!)

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(©2003 by DJ Birtcher just to avoid the crowds of
copyrighters swarming around the "©2002" machine)


A Postscript From The Journal Keeper:  I had originally intended to follow this list of resolutions with My Sure-Fire Plan For Worldwide Peace, Love, and Snickers Bars but...  there's been a terrible accident.

I can see now that this accident actually began yesterday when I chanced to read in my newspaper that the average American ate 6% more butter last year than the year before.  That pushed the average American's annual butter consumption up to 4.3 pounds.

I've long aspired to claw my way up to average, so I made myself a Post-It note to eat 4.3 pounds of butter this year.  I put the note on my fridge so I wouldn't forget, but... this new commitment of mine weighed on my mind.  What if the note faded over time?  What if it got lost among all the Post-It notes I already have on my fridge reminding me to someday find out whatever happened to Lyle Waggoner, Peter Lupus, and Al Gore?  What if The Wife accidentally threw it in the wash with the chicken, or I became confused along about March or May and ate it instead of the butter it was reminding me to eat?

I started to squirm... sweat... fret.  If I truly wanted to be an average American for once in my life, I suddenly knew I would have to eat 4.3 pounds of butter now - immediately! - while I was still thinking about it.

So that's what I set out to do yesterday.

And my plan was going well, too, until I picked up my newspaper and read it again in an attempt to take my mind off the odd feelings of nausea I was starting to experience.

That's when I discovered that the average American also now eats 8.3 pounds of margarine a year.

And 28.9 pounds of cheese.

Having already committed myself to being average, what could I do but grab two more plates and a bigger spoon and get to work?

Unfortunately, Butterfingers Dan dropped that big spoon on my foot and made me forget exactly what My Sure-Fire Plan For Worldwide Peace, Love, and Snickers Bars involved.  Candy, perhaps?  Cuddles?  All I know is, I was SO distraught I was only able to get the last bit of cheese down with the help of three extra cans of Hershey's chocolate syrup.

Had I known being average was going to be so much work, I never would have tried....