Saturday, Jan. 19, 42 A.B.
Almost Another Jester's Log
9:30 AM - Woke up and proceeded to sit in bed with hands folded, quietly waiting for my wife to cook me breakfast. Thought about all the other places I could be sitting in instead, like the Agricultural Drainage Hall of Fame on the OSU campus. I idly wonder if it's within walking distance of the Insurance Hall of Fame that I've heard so much about. My spirit of adventure awakened by this thought, I try to imagine myself sitting in OSU's Accounting Hall of Fame. In no time at all, my imagination is aflame and has transported me all the way to the International Credit Union Center in Madison, Wisconsin.
Ah, Wisconsin! My butt may be squirming in my Columbus-bound bed, but my spirit is suddenly sitting in Mount Horeb, WI - self-proclaimed Troll Capital of the World!
In no time at all I am reclining atop Mount Horeb's Mustard Museum and trying to decide whether to explore its gallery of 3672 different mustards or close my eyes and try to recall where I was and what I was doing on April 20, 1987 - mustard's big day at the U.S. Supreme Court. In the end I can do nothing but sit with mouth agape, overcome with excitement at the realization that I've finally made it to Wisconsin. WISCONSIN! The home state of Barbie (whom everyone used to call Barbie Millicent Roberts before she became as famous as Elvis and Cher).
9:38 AM - My wife calls me to breakfast. I quickly run to the bathroom and flush Barbie's full name from my head in order to make room for some toast and scrambled eggs.
10:06 AM - Washed the dishes. A strange sense of déjà vu overwhelms me. Didn't I just do the dishes last night?! Yes! In fact, I counted the items as I washed them. Fifty! It doesn't seem possible that a mere two people can dirty so many items in a single day. I decide to count the items again as I wash them - this time by type. Final tally: 18 utensils, 6 cups/glasses, 4 miscellaneous items, 2 bowls, 4 plates, 2 pans, 1 lid. Grand total: 37 items.
Amazing. I wonder if people have been secretly dining in my house while I've been asleep. To distract myself from this highly disturbing possibility, I try to remember exactly what those 4 miscellaneous items might be. A cheese grater? A carafe? A wrench?!
I put up a note reminding everyone in the house NOT to leave any more tools on the kitchen counter. To distract myself from the disturbing possibility that this note will be overlooked and I'll soon be spending an entire afternoon scrubbing dried egg from my favorite ratchet set, I calculate that 37 washed items means 37 items in need of drying. Together, that comes to 74 handled items. Over the course of a year, that adds up to 27,010 items in need of handling.
10:15 AM - I go back to bed and attempt to rest up for the next 12 months of dish washing and drying.
11:23 AM - I'm startled awake by a troubling dream. In the dream, I've just left a Tough Medicine seminar. As I walk aimlessly in search of a gondolier to take me home, I attempt to remember the main lesson of the seminar. Was it spank a cold and slap a fever? Or slap a cold and spank a fever? I quickly grow feverish from uncertainty and have no idea what I should do about it....
2:34-4:10 PM - Read the newspaper. Learned that
Although I am sure that all of these apparently unrelated facts are actually just different manifestations of the same fundamental law of nature, I am unable to figure out exactly which fundamental law that might be. I fire off a quick email to the newspaper's editor asking if he knows.
- 30,000 different music CDs are released in the U.S. each year
- More and more people are wearing their pajamas out in public because they crave the warm, fuzzy feeling only pajamas can give them, because pajamas allow them to feel relaxed and connected with family and friends, and because they think being pointed at and laughed at means "You are loved and accepted" in American Sign Language
- Ohio's state bird, the cardinal, didn't choose to inhabit all parts of Ohio until the late 19th century - before that, it limited itself to the southern half
- The Swiss have taken action to block the sale of a bin Laden-brand line of clothes
4:11 PM - Spotted dirty glass by kitchen sink. Dropped to knees and implored universe to tell me when the madness will end.
4:13 - 6:05 PM - Stood rock still with a small piece of blank white paper in my right hand. Dropped paper and watched it flutter to the floor. Retrieved paper and dropped it again, just like the first time. Watched it flutter to a different spot on the floor. Repeated 91 more times. The paper never lands on the same spot twice. Until I can accurately predict what this piece of paper will do when released, I give up trying to predict what my wife might do next.
6:06 PM - After a moment's thought, I shelve plans to drop my wife a few times in an attempt to learn more about her fundamental nature.
6:07 - 10:49 PM - I contemplate William Hogarth's False Perspective, wonder if it will ever be made into a TV series.
10:49-10:53 PM - Ate lunch and dinner all at once to save time. Should I call this event linner? Dunch? Lunner? Dinch?
I have two Tylenol for dessert and hope the problem will just disappear by morning.
10:53 PM-Midnight - Investigated this cow porn site just so I can refer to it here as I promised I'd do in the notify I sent out yesterday. The blush which resulted might never leave my face. As if my moustache wasn't a heavy enough addition to my overweight visage! ACK!
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(©12:01 AM by DJ Birtcher while barely managing to
keep his chin up with the help of two beams and a jack)