Sunday, Jan. 27, 42 A.B.

What I Learned Today

1)  Chrysler has made so much money with its PT Cruiser, it's planning to offer a sequel next year.  Called the PTA Cruiser, it'll have as many steering wheels and horns as there are seats - but no ignition.

2)  King James was crowned on a throne surrounded by 6 bushels of fresh herbs in an attempt to disguise his body odor.

3)  Most Americans have 34 teeth: 16 uppers, 16 lowers, and 2 under their pillows just in case there really is a Tooth Fairy.

4)  My county is now growing at the rate of about 400 new roads a year.  Since 1995, some 3000 new roads have been created and named - almost 20% of the total (15,620).

5)  Many of these roads are actually cul-de-sacs whose names take up more room on the map than the lines representing their lengths.

6)  A million years from now when archeologists uncover Orlando they're gonna go nuts trying to figure out why there are so many fossilized mouse ears but no bodies.

7)  No matter what preachers, family members, or friends did or said, Emily Dickinson refused to declare herself "saved."

8)  Some blind people use little Smelling Nose dogs to help them clean up after their big Seeing Eye dogs.

9)  During the Revolutionary War, George Washington had a special "personal guard" unit of 150 men.  Washington insisted that all members of this unit be between 5'9" and 5'10" in height.  He also insisted that they be "handsomely and well-made."

10)  The most popular soap opera in Mexico is "Days of Our Lizards."  The dialogue, plot, and costumes are truly awful but the incredible tongue action more than makes up for all that.

11)  After much deliberation, the ancient Greek philosophers finally concluded that giving a unicorn to the Cyclops on his birthday would be tasteless and rude rather than clever or wry.

12)  No matter how good it might feel, having sunny, 60 degree days in January just seems wrong - like having sex with your sister.  But please don't tell your sister I said so.

13)  That Urban Legend about alligators living in the sewers of New York may date back as far as 1935.

14)  Government officials are now willing to release my imaginary friend Hans from detention if I agree to assist in the development of a blather bomb capable of incapacitating would-be terrorists.  As much as I miss Hans, it's hard for me to consider turning blather into a weapon of any sort - especially considering how hard I've worked to turn it into an intolerable annoyance.  If the government offers to turn over to me any chocolate bunnies it may have in its possession, however, all bets are off.


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(©Now by DJ Birtcher with apologies in advance
for any unintentional collateral damage this may produce)


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