Friday, June 7, 43 A.B.

But Will The New Department Of Homeland Security Protect Us From Fanatical Crustaceans??

That's the question I hope Congress and others will ask - and ask soon!

Why?  Because I don't fly on airplanes.  I don't work in a skyscraper.  I've never even visited the Pentagon.  And I've never been big on opening mail that hasn't been boiled in water for at least 30 minutes.

But I DO read the newspaper and I DO have a yard, and here's what reading the former recently told me about the latter:

"Dear Garden Expert:  I'm finding holes in the lawn coming out of little mounds of soil.  The holes are about an inch in diameter, and the grass surrounding the holes is turning yellow.  Are these made by birds or insects?  I never see anything going into or out of the holes, and though I have dug into the soil in these areas, I can't find anything."

To which query my newspaper's Garden Expert replied thusly:

"Your problem is probably caused by crayfish.  They become a problem in lawns when conditions are consistently soggy (like it has been this spring) or after they have gotten all hepped up on improperly disposed of religious pamphlets and taken holy vows to spread their exoskeletal way of life by force.  No pesticide exists for use against crayfish in home lawns and the US military since the 1950s has been geared towards repelling giant lobsters, lizards, tarantulas, and other species more commonly found near atomic bomb test sites, so you'll just have to watch your own back while awake.  For extra safety, you might try deputizing the other members of your household and have them sleep in shifts so there's always someone there to watch your back for you while you nap, engage in sexual intercourse, succumb to the urge to drink yourself into an alcoholic stupor,  or are otherwise indisposed.  Although a few readers have claimed success in gaining the assistance of their state's National Guard by fattening up their crayfish invaders to city-threatening proportions with a mix of 3 parts Quaker Oats to 5 parts Crisco, these claims cannot be verified and may be little more than misguided attempts to pull the Garden Expert's leg during a time of national crisis."

You know, I'm starting to think that there are some eras in which it just doesn't pay to be literate....

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(©Now by DJ Birtcher after somehow resisting the impulse
to go mix up some Quaker Oaks and Crisco for himself)


And As If To Prove That I'm Not Alone In Thinking Literacy Is Vastly Overrated...  CNN Headline News reported this morning that Bush's new Department of Homeland Security would have 170,000 employees and an annual budget of $37 million.  That works out to an annual salary of $217.65 per employee with nothing left over for a 5-color poster and a pointer so Gov. Ridge can let us know what level of fear we ought to be feeling today.

Maybe it's time for us to get serious and have Jerry Lewis host an anti-terror telethon?