How glorious it must have been when this six foot thick, 500 pound leviathan still swam beneath the surface waves of my life....

1.  "If you're not going to eat all your lint, can I have it?"
2.  "So what are Christie Brinkley's elbows really like?"
3.  "Too bad the core temperature of the sun is over 15,000,000 degrees Celsius instead of just under 14,000,000 degrees Celsius."
4.  "Shoes ought to come with spare soles strapped to the heels."
5.  "Yeah, well, that Chinese Water Torture thing never won many Grammys, either, and it's been around far longer than you have."
6.  "Dang, my apple tree needs another series of distemper shots."
7.  "War is just another name for uncontrolled dandruff."
8.  "When you get right down to it, what do Americans really know about Allentown, Iran, anyway?"
9.  "Moth populations increase when wide ties are in fashion - coincidence?  I don't think so."
10.  "Well, doctor, I've been having these odd urges to go out into the countryside with a large caliber pencil and round off every infinity I see to an even, understandable 100...."
11.  "You know, The Wizard of Oz would have been a much better movie had the Tin Man been melted down and recast as the Piano Man."
12.  "The time I spent in school dragged because my local board of education could only afford to buy clocks with ticks much shorter than their tocks."
13.  "Call me crazy, but I for one really loved Christie's keyboard work on Silly Love Songs."
14.  "If I put this pebble in an account with your bank, how many years will it be before you give me a boulder back?"
15.  "Did you hear that Rand McNally has offered a billion dollars to the Marx Brothers if they reunite as Groucho, Harpo, and Encino?"
16.  "Listen to me!  If you're really serious about capturing the hearts and minds of the baby boomers, you'll rename your stupid little cover version Escalator to Heaven!"

GENEVA - As the world held its breath last night, God Almighty and Satan agreed to submit their differences to a board of internationally recognized philosophers and to abide by the results just minutes before Very Bad Things were scheduled to begin.
     "Yay!" South America was heard to exclaim despite the lateness of the hour.
     "Goody-Goody!" Antarctic penguins declared as one.
     Economists were far more restrained in their reaction.
     "The big question is, will this rekindle Alan Greenspan's fear of inflation and cause him to hike interest rates yet again?" Dean Witter was overheard asking a passing archangel on behalf of many of his ilk.
     Fearing Greenspan might indeed seek to subdue the exuberant reaction to the continuation of life on earth by raising the prime rate at least half a point,  the stock market dropped over 1700 points by noon today.
     Here is a complete list of the latest losses, company by company and sector by sector, with charts showing both absolute dollar and relative percentage declines, as well as overall equity losses not currently chargeable against unrelated subsidiary profits as defined by U.S. tax laws (at least as they are understood by most knowledgeable corporate attorneys):

So, how come there are so many laundromats and so few dishmats?  I mean, people have dirty dishes just like they have dirty clothes, right?  In fact, they probably make more dirty dishes every day than they make dirty clothes.  So why are there so many places where you can take your clothes, drop 'em into a machine, and get 'em clean in exchange for a few quarters, but so few places where you can do the same thing for your dishes?  Is it because those tumble dryers are so hard on fine crystal or what?

Now that you've finished telling me for the last few days how pregnant Kate Winslet is, maybe you can spare a few minutes and tell me this.  What do ya say?  Huh?  Huh??

I mean, come on - let's get real, people!

I deeply regret any confusion my previous lack of clarity may have caused.