Dear CBS News: 

     Last night you ran a story about how cases of asthma in the U.S. are on the rise due to mold, dust mites, and pets.  Today I read in the paper that cases of asthma are on the rise in the U.S. due to mold, dust mites, and cockroaches.  
     Is there a contradiction here or did you just not make it clear that you consider cockroaches a type of pet?
     Just wondering,
                                            Dann Birtcher

     P.S. - Just in case someone gives me a pet cockroach, do you have any idea where I might be able to find a leash small enough to use on our walks?

Dear Sigmund Freud:

     The book I just finished reading says that you came up with the idea that all the great scientific revolutions had the effect of humiliating or dethroning Man.  You know, you supposedly said that first came the Copernican revolution, which knocked us from the center of the universe; then came the Darwinian revolution, which REALLY kicked the shit out of the notion that we're special; and then finally you said your own theories took us down a final peg by revealing that our lives, beliefs and actions are controlled by brain activities we're not even conscious of.  Do you remember this or have you repressed it?
     Assuming you remember, I have a question.  Wasn't the first great scientific revolution actually the development of the scientific method itself (as epitomized by Sir Francis Bacon's jumping from his carriage to seize a chicken and stuff it with snow to see if the cold substance might actually delay putrefaction, only to himself thereby take a cold and die)?  
     You know, it's all rather akin to Man's refusal to stop and ask for directions, isn't it?  Aristotle and them other Greek guys were pretty good at coming up with theories (I especially like Aristotle's idea that the brain exists only to produce mucus) but they never got off their duffs and asked reality what it thought, did they?  They just drove around and around in their minds like chickens with their heads cut off, huh?
     If you happen to know if those minds were actually filled with mucus or if that chicken with the head cut off was the same one Bacon seized, I'd appreciate knowing that, too.
     Sincerely,

                                  DJ Birtcher

Dear Ally McBeal:

     Enough already!!  There's more to life than sex and men, ya know.  Try reading a book.  Going to the movies.  Collecting Hummels.  Rescuing a cat from your local animal shelter.  Chatting online.  Taking a course.  Masturbating.  Buying a CD with music on it from a decade more recent than the '70s.  Eating.  Or, hey - if you REALLY wanna forget your troubles fast - how about doing some pro bono work for people with REAL problems?  In fact, I think I myself might be in need of some free legal advice once David Kelley listens to the slanderous message I left for him on his machine.
     What do you say?  Is Sunday a good day for a consultation or are you planning on feeling sorry for yourself ALL weekend?  
     Hoping to hear from you, if only to remind me that those whiners on "Thirty Something" really weren't the worst in TV history -

                                                                                             Daniel J. Birtcher

     P.S. - Call before midnight tonight and win a FREE preview of the dancing baby impersonation I've spent the last 3 years perfecting!

Dear Mother Nature -

     What's the deal with the food chain?  Were you on drugs when you came up with the idea of predator and prey or WHAT?!?!
     Just curious (and depressed off my ass) -

                                                                                     One Of Those Humans

     P.S. - Please don't track me down and make me incontinent or anything for writing this.  Thanks.

Dear Enid Schildkrout, curator of the "Body Art: Marks of Identity" show now at the American Museum of Natural History in New York:

     You were recently quoted in Newsweek as saying "Everybody does something to their bodies to communicate who they are.  Even if just to comb their hair."
     HA!
     (If you'd ever seen one of my yearbook pictures, you'd know this already.)
     Regards,
                                         DJB

Dear Xerox Corp:

     You recently fired 40 employees for using their work computers to visit Web porn sites.  Some of them even used those computers to download porn videos and thereby choked your entire network!
     You have my deepest sympathies.  The work place is NO place for porn!  My hat is off to you for taking a good, firm, moral stand against this sort of behavior.  Bravo!  BRAVO!  Keep up the good work.
     Oh, and by the way, if you could pass the url of my online journal along to Ralph in receiving, I'd appreciate it.  I simply don't have the time to answer every little email request that I get.
     Hugs and kisses -

                                              Dan'l B.

Dear Yale Language Department:

     I recently had a dream.  In it, a terrible forest fire in a poor, Third World country was miraculously extinguished by a sudden monsoon.  The natives in my dream called this monsoon "Hav Patsu."  Could you tell me what language that may have been?  I'd like to ask the people if they need any supplies when I go to bed tonight but I simply don't know how.
     Ciao for now -

                                         Dr. Birtcher, Honorary Emeritus

To The Editor of the Toledo Blade:

     Last Monday you ran a story with the following headline in your World News section on page 2 -

     Remember?  It was the story which said that a certain 17-year-old British lad wrapped his arms around a 22-year-old blonde Norwegian woman and danced the night away while on a recent ski trip with friends.  Ring a bell?  You also reported that he told Annaliese (the Norwegian blonde) that she was "absolutely gorgeous."
     This story was sandwiched between the story about striking power workers in India and the election results from Guinea-Bissau.  
     Do you have any recollection whatsoever of this?
     Assuming that you do or you have refreshed your memory by grabbing a copy of your publication from Monday, I have a question:
     WHAT THE FUCK DO I CARE?!?!?!?!
     Yours Truly,

                               Prince Harry

Dear NASA:

     It has recently come to my attention that scientists have undertaken the arduous task of documenting every life form that can be found in Great Smoky Mountains National Park.  Incredibly, no area of the earth bigger than a back yard has EVER been explored like this.  
     The park is 808 square miles.  
     It harbors 10,000 known species but may harbor as many as 100,000.  
     The earth itself may harbor 10 million to 100 million species, but we have only gotten around to  finding about 1.75 million of 'em.
     Pretty amazing, huh?  
     This Great Smoky Mountains Park project is gonna take 10-15 years and maybe $20 million.  
     The Senate recently approved $450,000.  
     So, I was wondering: Next time you want to send a $160 million probe to Mars just to lose it, why don't you just take $100 million of that, flush it down the toilet, and give the bit that's left over to people CERTAIN to discover oodles of unknown life forms with it?
     Just a suggestion.
     Please don't send the robot rovers to get me again if you hate this idea as much as you hated my asking you if the guy who developed the Saturn V just happened to be impotent.
     Most respectfully,

                                            Dan - I mean, Amy Birtcher