How long are you supposed to leave a greeting card on the grill?  I can't seem to find the right balance between getting all the saccharine sweetness out and having the damn things ignite....
 

     Today I accidentally stuck my head out my kitchen window and heard my new neighbors talking.  I assume from this that they have mouths.  This is terribly unsettling since every monster or alien I've ever seen in a movie or on TV has had a mouth, too.  Well, except for "The Blob" and "Kronos."  "The Blob" was light sensitive, however, so I've been taking a flashlight with me whenever I go outside or happen to be inside.  I've adjusted to that ok.  "Kronos" was about a giant alien robot that went stomping across the countryside - Mexican peasants be damned.  Well, A) I'm not a Mexican peasant, and B) The giant alien robot's arrival was heralded by a huge splash in the ocean.  No such splash has been reported prior to the arrival of my neighbors.  So, basically, I felt pretty safe so long as I could assume they didn't have a single mouth between them and I kept a flashlight within reach at all times.
     Now what??

     If they have dental insurance, I'm doomed!
 

     The worms in my back yard have erected a scarerobin.  I know this because I tripped over the damn thing while out there practicing my anti-Blob flashlight maneuvers last night. 
     Did you know that even scarerobins these days have taken to wearing ties which match the color of their shirts?
     Darn that Regis Philbin!  The government really ought to break him into two separate parts for ten years before he ends up controlling every aspect of our lives....
 

     I've been having great success collecting stuff I'll never need.
     Because, you know, one never knows exactly when one will never need it.
     In fact, I think I've done such a good job that I think I'll sleep good night despite all the tension in my life - just because I've done such a fine job here.
     Well, if I can find the energy to clear all the useless junk I have on the bed now.

     Didn't Sartre write a novel about this once?  Or am I thinking of Nancy Reagan's book again?
 

     I found an ad today for Boy Netting.  It's like mosquito netting, only it's made of Tevlar-brand metal fibers that are guaranteed not to yield to the forces of any boy no matter how desperately he might bat himself against it.  If you're the parent of a teenage daughter, you want to be sure you have plenty to send with her on any camping trips she might go on this summer.  Because - as the tag line of the ad says - "Chastity belts can't stop the kissin'!" 
     Hard to believe there are still some people who think American ingenuity peaked with the New York World's Fair of 1939, isn't it?
 

     Hey - I can't see!  I am NOT the Blob!  GET THAT DAMN LIGHT OUT OF MY EYES!!!