That quote there?  Those words all in red?  I made that up.  Sorry if that's a disappointment.  Sorry if it makes you think less of me.
     It won't happen again.
 

     So my wife teaches high school seniors.  
     She decided to do a unit on parenting because it seems that, while other teachers in the last twelve years have informed her seniors about how Rome fell and how to extract a square root, not one has ever told them what to do when another human being suddenly drops out from their loins.
     Or whether it's even a good idea for them to have people just dropping out like that in the first place.
     Slight oversight, huh?
     Anyway, in the course of preparing for this unit, she asked me to help her research the fine art of spanking.
     As in whether or not it is ever an appropriate disciplinary technique when it comes time to, say, convince the human being that dropped out of your loins that it really isn't a good idea to use daddy's power tools on the dog when mommy isn't looking.
     So, I naturally typed "spanking" in a search engine.
     I really am the naive little Ohio boy sometimes, aren't I?
 

     Turns out that virtually nobody thinks spanking kids is a good idea anymore.
     I suppose there are still some "Spare the rod and spoil the child" people out there, but they don't seem to be writing any books or maintaining any web sites.
     Maybe their hands and arms are too tired?

     As for the spanking of adults....

     Perhaps the best article I found on that subject (not that I looked much, being a good boy and all) was this one that Salon Magazine posted Jan. 7, 1998.
     To save you the trouble of actually having to read it -
     The author thought the spanking of adult women was a relatively rare fetish.
     Further investigation revealed 3 out of 4 women love it....
 

     I was surprised, to say the least.
     I mean, I was taught never to hit a woman.  (Not even Pat Nixon.)
     I live in a world in which male abuse of women seems terribly, terribly common and dreadful.
     My own mother was allegedly beaten by my father while she was pregnant with me.
     I was, in turn, beaten by her.
     It was not a rewarding experience for me, sexually or otherwise.
     The idea that a majority of woman might actually like to be spanked rather blows my mind.
     True, it's a small mind, easily blown by the sight of a single blade of grass waving seductively in the gentlest of breezes, but still....
 

     I'm not saying women shouldn't be spanked, if that's what they want.  
     And I'm not saying I'd mark my RSVP card "NO!" were an invitation to one of my town's better spank-and-let-spank bistros came in the mail (provided I didn't have to wear a tux).
     Still....
     
     Ok, I understand that carbonated beverages are allegedly enjoyable because they stimulate the pain receptors in our tongues.
     And I know that Scandinavians take great pleasure in super-heating their bodies in saunas, then running outside and jumping in icy cold rivers.
     And I can see that a good whack across the bottom might be good for the circulation.  No permanent harm done, and - if nothing else - it might feel so good when the whacking stops.
     I'm still surprised that millions of women might be enjoying being whacked and are keeping the information from me.
     I'm a naturally curious kind of guy, and - doggone it - it's just not very polite for you gals to keep the info to yourself when you know you have it in your power to quench my thirst for knowledge by simply rolling a few words off your tongues and into my eagerly awaiting ears.

     So, how about it?
     Are you a woman?  
     Are you a man?  (I'll settle for that, so terrible has my thirst become.  I believe it's called "situational curiosity."  Deal with it.)
     Do you like to be spanked - or not??  
     Inquiring minds gotta know!!!

     Or consider it a donation to the education of today's high school seniors.
     It'll be tax deductible that way.

     In either case, my email address is koveda@bigfoot.com
     Please don't make me have to beg again!