Thursday, August 1, 43 A.B.
Is It Better To Marry Than To Burn?
Yes, I think it is. But I also think that this question presents us with a false dichotomy. As far as I know, there's no reason in the world why we can't marry and burn. And preliminary experiments with a Zippo lighter and a toe certainly seem to bear this out. Bottom line: If you have your heart set on burning and are afraid marriage might somehow interfere with your plans, relax. Matrimony does NOT appear to bestow fire retardant properties on those who indulge in it. If it did, I suppose we would have heard of it long before now, eh? And I'd now be among the first to insist that every home in the country be betrothed to some other home, shack, or tent for the protection of their innocent human inhabitants.
That settled, another question immediately presents itself: Is it better to celebrate one's marriage by going to dinner and a show rather than by attempting to alert the public to the dangers of pug ownership?
My answer: YES!
A brief story explains why.
Yesterday just happens to have been the 20th anniversary of my getting married. When my wife asked me yesterday afternoon "What do you want to do tonight?" and I replied "Alert the public to the dangers of pug ownership!" I quickly learned what a poor answer that was. Indeed, if I have ever given a poorer answer, I cannot recall what it may have been. Suffice it to say that if your spouse ever asks you what you want to do on the night of your 20th anniversary, do NOT mention any activity involving one or more small, ugly dogs and a public forum.
Today being another day altogether, however - and that day being nothing more significant than the 21st birthday of MTV - allow me to now attempt to alert you and everyone else to
The Dangers Of Pug Ownership
- Pugs have flat, punched-in faces that are prone to infection and accidental diapering. They need to be cleaned daily but not powdered.
- Pugs are extremely sensitive to hot and cold temperatures as well as to bee stings. Consequently, pugs ought to be kept indoors at all times (and fitted with little tags urging whoever finds them to drop them into the nearest mailbox if they do somehow get out).
- Pugs were bred to be lap dogs and want to be with their owners all the time. Pugs left alone all day are likely to develop the sort of severe depression that requires regular electro-shock treatments which can easily double one's power bill. Unless you work for a boss who enjoys picking up the phone first thing in the morning and hearing someone say "Sorry, I can't come in today - my pug needs me!" you should NOT own one of these animals!
- Pugs spend every moment of their free time working on getting their Ph.D. in shedding. Unless you are willing to have your house turned into one big furry mess in exchange for having your name misspelled in a footnote in a dissertation nobody is ever gonna read, get yourself a schnauzer with a bachelor's degree in napping instead.
- Pugs snort, sneeze, snore, and pass gas with all the abandon of a frat boy on spring break.
- Pugs lack stamina and hate exercise. If you want a jogging buddy, contact an escort service instead.
- It is easier to housebreak a broken water main than it is to housebreak a pug.
- State hospitals are full of pug owners who have gone crazy trying to decide if their pug looks more like Peter Lorre or Ernest Borgnine.
My Recommendation: If you really MUST have a pug, get yourself the timepiece version and NOT the living, breathing one!!
The Official Pug Timepiece Of The Apollo Space Program
(To order, click here)
(NOTE: Thinking about getting a Jack Russell Terrier? Please wait and read the review I'm planning on posting on the occasion of my 25th wedding anniversary first!)
(©Now by DJ Birtcher while wondering if his own lack of stamina and hatred of exercise can be traced back to a pug ancestor)
DISCLAIMER: I have never owned a pug myself. I do not believe that I've ever touched one. As near as I can recall, I have never actually seen one in real life. I used to think I grew up near a woman who owned a pair of pugs, but I now realize that she actually had a matching set of Pekinese. In other words, virtually all the information in this entry is second- and third-hand stuff - mere hearsay taken from a hastily skimmed, barely understood, and poorly remembered article that I saw in yesterday's Columbus Dispatch. If any of that information happens to be wrong, please accept my sincerest apologies.