Wednesday, Jan. 23, 42 A.B.
Making The World A Better Place One Lap At A Time
Remember yesterday's fretfulness? It's gone! Right along with the anxiety, apprehension, and touchiness I was also experiencing. In their place stand glee, bemusement, and the first cousin of giddiness - I forget her name, but boy! She sure is well-defined!
The turnaround began when I stopped focusing on my own recent mistakes and started looking for those of others. If you've been focusing on my mistakes lately as well, I heartily suggest the same course of action. And to get you rolling, I'll even share with you the site which worked better than any 12-step program ever could have for me. It's called SLIPUPS.COM and it lists over 10,780 mistakes to be found in movies, TV shows, books, and public statements. Although I actually had to go to this other site to enjoy confirmation of the doggy goof we noticed when we watched "The Great Gatsby" the other night, SLIPUPS has its own pleasures. Like Britney Spears saying "I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada." And Cervantes having Don Quixote ride a donkey a few pages after he told us the animal had been stolen. And a Burger King commercial in which Dad places a bag of fries between the seats of his car - and ends up with a box! Gee, I haven't had such fun since I watched Barnabas Collins walk around the iron door to his basement rather than through it back in 1969....
Also boosting my mood: The discovery that it's possible to buy REAL AMERICAN SPACE FOOD online! Yes, it's true - for just $7.95 I can enjoy the same chicken noodle soup, minestrone, or red beans and rice, that REAL AMERICAN ASTRONAUTS enjoy while in space. And just like them, I can wait up to 5 years to do so! Yep, that's right - those space age foil packets bestow a full 5-year lifespan on the goodies inside! Can't wait another minute to enjoy YOUR REAL AMERICAN SPACE FOOD? You're in luck - rush delivery is ONLY an extra $10! If only I had known about this BEFORE I set foot in my first college dining hall!!!
Just typing that last paragraph set my stomach to growling - which seems very appropriate considering that one of the things that brightened my mood today was this Scientific American article which answers that age-old question, "Why does your stomach growl when you are hungry?" Turns out it's basically because the gastrointestinal tract is a noisy hollow tube! And - due to electrical charges coursing through the muscular walls of that tube - it "beats" kinda like the heart, only slower. The stomach "beats" about 3 times a minute, while the small intestine "beats" about 4 times faster. Each beat propels food a few inches along. The beat frequency increases after we eat and then again about two hours after the stomach has been emptied. These post-meal beats remove mucus and bacteria as well as any lingering food. They're associated with hunger - and, because the stomach is empty, they can echo. Don't mistake them for hunger pangs, however - those don't occur until you've been deprived of food for 12-24 hours.
The Greeks called stomach growling "borborygmi" (with one growl commonly known as a "borborygmus"). Which might not mean much to you but should liven up my résumé after I put "Borborygmi collector" in the hobby section.
What really and truly turned my mood around today, however, was the discovery of a little book entitled Aprons: Icons of the American Home by Joyce Cheney. Although I was a bit doubtful at first, it turned out to be even better than Ms. Cheney's scrumptious Aprons: A Celebration. If you're even half as fascinated by unnecessary clothing as I am, you simply won't be able to sleep until you have both, too.
Among the choice apron tidbits I picked up today were these:
----- The American apron tradition can be traced back to 13th century western Europe when tradespeople started wearing aprons to shield themselves from the hazards of their work.
----- Historically, gardeners, spinners, weavers and garbage collectors have worn blue aprons; cobblers have worn black; stonemasons white; butlers green; and butchers blue-and-white striped ones.
----- It was in the 16th century that aprons with embroidery, lace, and ribbons became fashion accessories for women and children.
----- Aprons reached new levels of popularity in the 1950s as women built up large apron wardrobes which allowed them to look spiffy no matter what outfit they chose to wear under their aprons or what set of place mats might be on the table.
----- Aprons declined in popularity in the 1960s when wash-and-wear clothing was developed and more and more women realized that aprons could not protect them from crazed assassins, urban rioters, the Viet Cong, or thermonuclear war.
----- The apron made a mini-comeback in the 1970s with the Paris Peace Accords, détente with the Soviets, and the development of the matching oven mitt.
----- Aprons today have degenerated into ugly, uni-sex things which ought to be burned along with all the other works of Satan.
If only everyone on earth could experience the 90 full-color apron photos in Ms. Cheney's latest work, I'm sure humanity's stress and unhappiness could be reduced to such an extent that most psychiatrists and virtually all of out police officers would be out of a job tomorrow.
And if everyone on earth would then simply don a vintage apron - oh, the mind reels! REELS!
Perhaps I can settle it down by giving it that which it craves in my dreams.
If you're at all inclined to help make those dreams a reality, please follow the photo link below and act accordingly.
I think we'll all be glad you did. :-)
Click Me for a Better Tomorrow
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(©Now by DJ Birtcher while proudly wearing a full-length mink apron
to keep all this blather from ruining his vintage Batman PJs)
