Thursday, Jan. 24, 42 A.B.
Of Guilt, Infidelity, Bedding Ensembles, And Mexican Eels
Well, it was nice while it lasted.
Yesterday's good feelings, I mean. Today... Today everything's different.
I'm afraid guilt over my infidelity has weighed me down and brought me low again.
Guilt can do that, you know. Extensive studies of both herring and wombats have established the fact beyond a shadow of a doubt. The real question is, "Can admitting that guilt help get rid of it?" Probably not, but what the hell - let's give it a shot, anyway.
I've been cheating on my Orthoceras.
There! I've said it and I'm... as miserable as ever. Perhaps I need to go into all the sordid details? Probably not, but when have I ever shown any self-restraint in this journal?
You remember my sweet little Orthy - right? Picked her up at a quaint little fossil shop last October 12. I detailed our whirlwind romance (complete with explicit photo) here. Since then, she hasn't left my office once.
Not to share the sight of her lovely gray and black hues with a single set of eyes other than my own.
Not to let another fossil lover slowly drag the tip of a quivering finger down the length of her exquisitely polished surface....
Alas, I... I haven't been nearly as good.
First there was that silly little trilobite I had a dalliance with in November.
Then there were my ardent attempts to win the notice of an ancient Danish fly that had caught my eye. She was way out of my league - expensive, and high maintenance - but I didn't care. If the amber she was encased in hadn't proven to be a permanent barrier between us, I suppose she'd be feasting on my heart with her cute little mandibles to this day.
Too bad all fossils aren't encased in amber!
Too bad I fell hard for an irresistible Goniatite as a result....
(Please limit your staring to 15 minutes in order to keep the line moving!)
I'm not sure why she proved far more appealing to me than the Orthoceras I once thought I'd love forever, but I cannot deny that she did - and still does. Perhaps it's those luscious curves which make Orthy's ramrod straightness seem so blasé in comparison. Perhaps it was merely a strange conjunction of the planets the day we first met. In any case, Gonia soon had my heart. Passionate dusting of her spiral structure was only a matter of time after that....
Pretty ironic that my wife gave her to me as an innocent little Solstice present, isn't it?
What can I say? Orthy - if you're reading this - I still love you. You're just no longer the first thing I think of to bring out and strip when guests come over - that's all. You'll always have a place in my office. And please - don't think I prefer Gonia because you're 400 million years old and she's at least 50 million years younger. Experience has taught me that once the object of my affections is past the 137-million-year mark, the differences just aren't enough to matter!
Drat. Despite all this confessing, I feel as bad as ever. Maybe I need to do what I naturally wanted to do in the first place: Sublimate my guilt, turn it into perverse anger, then vent that anger on innocent bystanders. After all, that's always worked for me in the past.
Which brings me to a few advertisements I've come across recently. Are the people who make and promote products like these nuts or what??
Consider this Coleman lantern/TV:
Yes, that's right - it's a combination lantern and TV. (Just look again if you didn't notice the first time.)
Now, really - does the added glow of the TV screen justify the added weight when we're out in the woods hastily trying to find our lost youth in the dead of night? Conversely, does the harsh light of the lantern add anything but eyestrain to the experience of watching "Entertainment Tonight" in a desperate attempt to forget that unedited nature is lurking just outside our thin tent walls? Maybe - just maybe - I'm expressing sour grapes because Coleman rejected my idea for the combination mug/refrigerator, but I really don't think so. After all, they also rejected my Bowie knife/candle invention and I've completely converted my anger over that into an irrational fear of moths. If they think I'm not man enough to do the same with all the bitter resentments they've raised in me, all I can say is, "GET OVER YOURSELVES!"
The flyer I recently received from our new Great Indoors store turned out to be at least as goofy. I mean, come on, guys - "bedding ensembles" for $279.99?? I'm convinced that substituting the imported word "ensembles" for the perfectly functional, made-in-the-USA term "sheets and pillow cases" added over $150 to the final price. Did they think I couldn't tell?? Do they not know that I have a dictionary right here and am perfectly capable of buying the same sheets and pillow cases on sale at Wal-Mart, dragging them home, and adding the word "ensemble" to them myself if that's what it takes to impress my Goniatite? Geesh!
The rest of their flyer proved at least as humorously aggravating.
"Convert any room into a showplace with six contemporary patterns that range from traditional to transitional"? Exactly how can a contemporary pattern be traditional??
"Mohawk bath mats"? As if anyone wants a bath mat which limits its non-skid surface to a thin strip down the center!
"Bring new life to your kitchen with designer blinds from Madrid"? Hey, if I wanted to bring new life to my kitchen, I'd just crack a window and leave the turkey sausage out on the counter before I go to bed.
"Give your bath the textured look"? Don't they know that the textured look comes naturally to my bath whenever I don't clean it for a week or two??
"Add a solid-surface sink that matches any tub and shower"? As opposed to settling for that perforated basin I found here when I moved in??
"Complete your new look with a moisture-resistant sink countertop"? The way I brush my teeth, I damn well better have a moisture-proof countertop - with floors and walls to match!
"All selections available in celadon, carnelian, heliotrope, orpiment, woad, xanthous, and zaffer." Sorry - I never buy anything in a color or hue with a name that sounds like something I ought to be taking antibiotics for.
Amazingly, my favorite lousy ad line of the week didn't come from this flyer but from my newspaper. That's where I saw a small box promoting Graves Pianos with the words "Piano music may add years to your life." HA! Who do they think they're fooling? The way I play the piano, an angry, torch-wielding mob would put an end to my life before I found middle C!
Ahhh, I feel SO much better now. Next time you're on the verge of falling for that "Confession is good for the soul" crap, why not try ragging on the minor annoyances of life instead and see if it doesn't work for you, too!
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(©Now by DJ Birtcher using only his opposable thumbs
in a shameless attempt to win his Gonia's heart )
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LEGAL NOTICE: The US Supreme Court has ruled that obscene works without any redeeming social value whatsoever may be banned. The following two sentences are being added only to inject a smidgeon of redeeming social value into this entry in order to protect it from a fate worse than deletion.
The government of Mexico considers eel to be a luxury item subject to a 20% surtax. If you're planning a trip to Mexico on a limited budget, be sure to buy all the eels you need before you cross the border.
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"HEY! We're using this entry's basement - GET LOST!"
